My body is aching, crying out it's discomfort with creeks and cracks. My muscles pull tight every time I move. I hardly slept last night. I've been having problems falling asleep lately, and once I do fall asleep it's rare that I stay asleep until the alarm goes off. Even when I take my sleeping pills I have this problem. I have cut out all caffiene except my morning coffee and a can of diet soda at 11am, there is no more nicotine in my system, I am working out, I am winding down at night, yet my mind refuses to give in to sleep. It was after midnight when I finally went to bed last night and the last time I remember looking at the clock, it was 1:05am. My daughter woke me around 2am for a drink, and now, in the light of the morning, I'm remembering how short I was with her. I was angry, so angry, that she woke me and I got more angry when she began to cry. I remember telling her to stop her crying and just go to bed, leaving her there. I truly hate myself for this. I could not fall asleep again. I tossed and turned until 4am, finally pushing my aching body out of bed to move to the couch, thinking if I watched TV in the dark, it might lull me to sleep. I finally fell asleep somewhere around 5am only to be awaked by the alarm at 6:30am. I hit snooze and five minutes later the phone rang.
I flip the phone open, bring it to my ear and hear, "Good morning beautiful." Somehow he knows, he always knows, when I need him. He was on his way to work and thinking about me. He knows I have a hard time getting up in the morning (if he only knew how bad it was this morning), and was calling to wake me. I love talking to him in the morning, his sexy, gravelly morning voice, his volume lower, his laugh a slight, sexy chuckle. I can hear his smile in his words, and it makes me smile. Our morning talks are usually stress free, we've both only just started our day, not had issues with work or life in general. The morning conversation is all love and laughs. After a few minutes we hang up with smiles on our faces.
I get a glass of icy water and guzzle it down, wash my face with cold water, brush my teeth and then go wake up my daughter. I do it cautiously, remembering how horrible I was to her hours earlier, she awakes, sees my face and breaks out in a grin. How can I ever be angry with her? We do the normal morning routine, I drop her off at daycare and head to work. Sliding back into the drivers seat, I'm reminded how tired I am, how much I ache, how much I want sleep. Driving to get coffee I begin to get angry at myself for everything, for yelling at my daughter, for not being able to sleep, for not telling him "I love you" this morning, even though I know he hears it with every word, as I do with him, it's not a phrase we utter on a day basis, but it's something that we show...and I have never felt so deeply loved. As I'm beating myself up, and pulling into the coffee shop drive thru, he's approaching the drive thru from the opposite side of the lot. This happens to us frequently, and it's always when I need it most. From behind our windshields, we both smile and shake our heads. He lets me go first, my phone rings and I know it's him. I have a conversation with him, his sexy, smiling face in my rearview mirror and he tells me how good it makes him feel to see me smile. And as exhausted as I am, I know that today isn't going to be that bad.