Penthouse at the Asylum

My Crazy Little World

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I'm going to let you in on a secret. One that I feel ashamed of, one that I fear makes me a horrible mother. I have never taken care of my daughter for more than three days in a row. Never. Never in her eight and a half years. This fact makes me feel horrible.

She stays with her dad two nights a week and with my parents one night a week. My parents just left this morning to go out of town for the week. Her dad doesn't have a car right now, so she is home with me. We are home, alone, together. All week. I am terrified and overwhelmed and we are only on day two. She came home from her dad's house Saturday at 3pm. On a normal schedule, she will be back with him again Tuesday night. Gone again Thursday and Friday night. But this week being the way it is, she will be home with me until Friday night when I drop her off at her dads house. Six nights. Twice as long as I've ever had her.

I love my daughter, but I often find myself feeling trapped. I find it overwhelming to spend too much time with her. To spend too much time with anyone really. Maybe because when I'm alone I can curl up on the couch and shut everything out, or lay in bed a cry without anyone to witness it. When I'm around others, especially her, having to act like I'm ok is exhausting. When she leaves, when they leave, I can breathe or scream or cry.

It's too much because I know she looks to me for guidance, looks to me as a role model, and she shouldn't. I don't want her to wind up being anything like me.

My daughter is an odd mix. She is stubborn and defiant like me, yet sensitive and caring like my sister. I think that is why I have such a hard time. When she exhibits behavior that is typical of me, I get angry. Isn't there a saying along the lines of often what we dislike most in others is actually what we dislike most about ourselves? Because, damn, that is so true in my house. But, on the flip side, when she gets sensitive and needy, I get angry. I think mostly because I don't know how to deal with it. I was never a child who constantly needed approval, I never cared if the little girl down the street wouldn't play with me or if the little boy I liked was mean. Stuff like that never bothered me, so when it bothers her, I don't know how to deal. My initial reaction is "Suck it up." I often find myself telling her to call her Aunt.

Two days is about the maximum we can go without a fight, three days is strongly pushing it. We are like oil and water, and I often find myself in a pissing match with her. Mature, I know.

Often, I think I wasn't cut out to be a mother. But, I am a mother, so what do I do? No doubt, I love my daughter, more than anything, but I get so incredibly frustrated.


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