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Penthouse at the Asylum

My Crazy Little World

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Feeling Broken
I've been down. I'm trying like hell to pick myself back up, but so far, no go. It's affecting everything. My job, my home, my daughter, my boyfriend, my family. But I just can't snap out of it. I started smoking again, after having quit for 5 months. I thought I would be relieved to start again, because part of the reason I was doing so well at quitting was because I knew how disappointed my daughter would be if I started again. I knew how disappointed the boy would be as well. My daughter hasn't found out yet, the boy figured it out yesterday and seemed fine with it. Turns out, I'm the only disappointed one. I feel like I let myself down, yet, here I go lighting up.

I tend to turn to the boy when I am down, and get mad at him when he can't pick me back up. Which, I realize, it totally unfair. There's a saying "You have to love yourself before you can be loved." Well, I have to figure out how to make me happy, before anyone else can. I guess I get mad at him because if I've had a bad day at work, or a rough day with the girl, he can fix it. He can get me to smile and laugh and forget about it. But when I'm down, when I feel rotten to the core, when my entire body just aches from sadness and I want to do nothing other than curl up in a ball and hide, he can't fix it. In fact, his silly attempts to make me laugh usually end up pissing me off. One of my huge flaws is that when I'm mad or sad, I want everyone else mad or sad. It makes me angry to see someone happy.

My feeling this way usually casues a fight between us. He's used to my ups & downs after nearly four years, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know it gets old after awhile. Trust me, I FRICKIN' know. I hate it just as much. So we fight, we hang up, I am mad but feel incredibly guilty for making him feel so awful. So I call to apologize, but then get pissed off that I'm apologizing. I don't think one should apologize for how they feel. Sure, I'm apologizing for how I ACTED, but it also feels like I'm apologizing for the way I'm feeling.

I get upset because I want him to fix me. To fix whatever it is that is wrong. To make me feel better, to get me back to how I want to be. But then I get upset over two things. One, that I know that this feeling is going to come back, it always does. And two, I get so incredibly sad that I'm broken.